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When life isn't what you want it to be

6/19/2017

18 Comments

 
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Sunday: a day for bottomless mimosas, hangovers masked by dark sunglasses, and a rather concealed section of the Times that can be described as either the best— or the worst— by young bachelorettes: “The Vows.”

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If you don’t frequent the starched pages of the New York Times, you might not be aware of this particular section, which documents the “I do’s” of New York’s finest. To me, it’s a hidden gem. To some, it’s a waste of ink. Quite frankly, after leafing through the foremost pages’ politics, crime, and turmoil overseas, “The Vows” serves as a palette cleanser of sorts.

Last night, myself and a few friends clustered in a twin bed to read this Sunday’s “Vows,” devouring every word. Between paragraphs we’d discuss everything from our dream spouses, to bridesmaids’ dresses, down to every last detail such as cake flavors and invitation fonts. “My future husband…” this, “My future kids…” that. 

Halfway through this late-night Times session, I reached for a ballpoint and scrawled into the margin of one of the pages: “why do we settle for anything less than magic in our relationships?” 

And in typical fashion, this fleeting thought of mine has inspired a blog post.
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Even if we don’t have it written out in pen and ink, each of us has some sort of mental list illustrating what our ‘ideal life’ looks like. Granted, I’m all about accepting the unexpected in life and not being afraid of the unknown, but I, too, have a picture of how I’d like to be living my life, tucked out-of-sight in my brain somewhere. ​

Side note: It’s normal for our ‘ideal life’ list to change as we grow, and sometimes things that we “never in a million years” would want, becomes a cherished blessing. But this is besides my point. 

In the words of my favorite poet, R.H. Sin:
“What we claim we want rarely matches up with what we allow or accept.”

It’s almost like we know what we want and deserve, to an extent. We’re not stupid. But, we accept something else, just to not upset the balance. If we lash out too quickly in a feverish expression of “wait, this isn’t what I want!!! I don’t deserve this!!!!” we could potentially scare the shit out of everyone we know. So, we stay rooted right where we are. Even if it isn’t ideal. 


​It is quite alarming when I consider the sheer number of my personal friends and family—myself included— that have ever felt “stuck.” 

Stuck with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. 
Stuck in a major that they strongly hate. 
Stuck in a battle over their appearance. 

We’ve been so stuck in this unwanted quicksand that life has dealt us, and instead of grabbing a nearby vine and hauling our asses out, we’ve settled. We’ve accepted that this is ‘just how it goes’ and that we’ll have to ‘suck it up and maybe things will get better’.
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​A prime example: toxic relationships and feeling “stuck” with people. 

A lot of us sometimes feel trapped in our relationships and we don’t quite know why. 
I’ve known friends who have been cheated on repetitively, and still refuse to leave the relationship in the past. I used to be angry on my friend’s behalf, thinking, “how on earth could you stay with a cheater?!” But then it dawned on me that perhaps it isn’t their stupidity that causes one party to stay with a cheating second party— it’s their optimism.

The reason why we can’t let go of people sometimes, is because deep down we still feel hope.

“Maybe if I stay, things will get better. He’ll stop. He’ll love only me,” we think to ourselves, desperately, searching for any shred of hope that we can latch onto. We replay the “good times” in our heads like a vintage highlight reel. 

But riddle me this: has any child ever dreamt, “when I grow up, I want to be with a man who is repetitively unfaithful. I want to be with someone who I put up with, simply because I’m either too in love— or too afraid— to leave.” I certainly hope not. 

However, it’s much deeper than this simple concept, and we all know it. 
Quitting cigarettes is one thing, but a completely separate beast is trying to quit a person, cold-turkey. 

It doesn’t even have to be as severe as cheating. There is a feeling that creeps into relationships sometimes (with boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, etc.) in which we just don’t vibe with it as much as we used to. Call it “falling out of love,” “boredom,” or simply a sensation of “blah.” 

So why do we stay? Why do we remain where we are not entirely happy?

Are we lazy? Busy? Or, rather, just so deathly afraid of the unknown?

More times than not, it’s fear that binds us to certain unwanted elements of our lives. 

I don’t know about you, but in ten years I want to smile stupidly to myself in a moment of pure joy— opening sleepy eyes to see my loving, strong husband in bed next to me, hearing the sounds of the electric city below, the sun reflecting off of the exposed brick of my ideal apartment in SoHo…

Ten years from now, I want to be able to say that I had a hand in cultivating my life, and didn’t settle for the cards that were thrown my way. 

If you find yourself living a life that doesn't feel like it belongs to you, change it.

At one point in my life, I so desperately wanted to sprout a six-pack of abs overnight. 
A nutritionist told me, “you can’t expect to see change in your appearance if you keep eating the same way you always have. Abs are made in the kitchen.”

So, I traded my cool ranch Doritos for kale. 

The same thing goes for your life. If you want to start living a beautiful life that you wholeheartedly deserve, you can’t keep living the way you’ve always lived. You can’t keep tolerating the same things that you’ve always tolerated. 

You can’t keep accepting dirt when you deserve diamonds. 

It’s like ordering the prime rib and settling when the waiter brings you a questionable-looking slab of meatloaf by mistake. “Ah, it’s alright, this is just how it goes!” 

You aren’t stupid for being optimistic about parts of your life that aren’t going well. However, if you know in your heart that you are in a place, or with a person, that isn’t working, you’d be stupid to stay. 

Photos used in this article do not belong to me.
18 Comments
Jessica
6/19/2017 09:25:55 pm

This is my favorite blogpost of yours so far. It perfectly describes how I've been feeling lately. You put it into words better far than I ever could. Can you maybe do a whole video on this and expand? I would LOVE to hear more.

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monse
6/19/2017 10:13:27 pm

Your words are like magic, just what I needed to read tonight. I discovered your channel like two weeks ago and I love it!! Keep up with being your amazing self <3

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Bridgett
6/19/2017 10:17:02 pm

I just want to post your entire blog everywhere haha. You should start writing poems!! I'm getting so many R.H. Sin vibes <3 so much love Katy and keep posting these and videos!! So inspirational!!

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Bridgett
6/19/2017 10:18:00 pm

Btw it's bridge_b3526 on insta lol

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Phyllis Diamond
6/20/2017 07:24:04 am

Katy this was extremely well said how did you get so insightful at such a young age--I have a friend who says if you are unhappy more than you are happy time to move on

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Simone
6/20/2017 09:42:24 am

you are so great. I am so glad that i found your blog.

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Jess
6/20/2017 11:27:29 am

Beautifully written Katy. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there and having your words resonate with people from all over the world. I appreciate your candidness about love and your passion for life. Sending love your way!! Xx

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Michelle
6/20/2017 11:55:37 am

Katy, this is so relatable. I'm having friendship problems right now and I could relate to this 1000%. thank you so much! xxMichellexx

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Cara
6/20/2017 12:22:05 pm

Katy - I admire the way you, so eloquently, form your thoughts into words in a way that is so relatable and refreshing to so many people. Please continue writing, creating, and sharing. You inspire more people than you realize.

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Kat
6/20/2017 02:08:49 pm

Katy, I have been following your youtube for years and ive never really looked at your blog but now i cant get enough of it! Its all exactly what i need to hear at the point in my life. So happy I started reading!

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Gabriella
6/20/2017 02:17:06 pm

Katy, your posts just alway seem to heavily align with my life! Thank you for using your talent and inspiring others with your beautifully written words. You are changing lives!

ps: please write a book...just do it.

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Allie
6/20/2017 02:50:56 pm

So interesting- I feel as if this article can be applied to an inner negative voice just as easily as it can be applied to boys! I personally struggle with being super hard on myself (so many books label this way of thinking as a separate entity, the "Self 1", the "Censor", etc). It can be easy to see that negative voice as a crutch; I often fear that if I thought more positively my standards might fall, or I wouldn't be as great of a [blank] if I wasn't hard on myself. But we shouldn't accept dirt from anyone, INCLUDING ourselves. Diamonds only, all around.

Much love to you, Katy! You're a bomb ass, fierce lady and I appreciate the light you spread.

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Angie D
6/20/2017 04:17:09 pm

I desperately needed to read everything that you just wrote. Your words spoke straight to my heart and showed me what I need to do in order to move on with my life, in order to happy again. Thank you so much Katy.

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Rochelle link
6/21/2017 01:08:11 am

Amazing! I totally loved reading this. I've been wanting to write a similar for a few days now but kind of didn't know the words since there is so much I want to talk about. You've definitely helped me to find the direction I want to take it x

Chelle| chellebelle2016.blogspot.com

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Kate Boylan
6/22/2017 06:06:40 pm

So amazing Katy! I recently started following you on Youtube and reading your blog - you have an amazing talent for writing! This post especially spoke to me on many levels and is something I need to keep repeating to myself. The unknown is especially scary but it also makes it more exciting. Thanks for this Thursday night pick me up :) So jealous of all of your NYC snaps!

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Leah
6/23/2017 08:45:35 pm

This is purely, fucking amazing. Thank you.

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Karolina
6/29/2017 10:32:09 pm

So talented. Can't wait to see you do bigger things in the future.

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Bibi link
6/30/2017 06:35:11 am

This blog post (more accurately video post, because I follow you on YouTube) dawned on me at a time when I actually realized most of what you have also realized.

Just like you, I’m the kind of friend that tells my friends that if their significant others, doesn’t treat them the way they think they deserve or need, if they have been cheated on, if they are in what seems like an abusive relationship or a relationship with a lack of balance, to just leave…

Of course, I am the friend that doesn’t follow their own advice. In the past few months, I realized that I was “stuck” in a two-year relationship that didn’t fulfill me in any whatsoever way. But I wasn’t trying to leave. I was being optimistic, thinking things could chance, evolve … the truth was I was just scared to admit to myself that I had made a mistake and that it was okay for me to want to leave.

My best friend keeps telling me, how much he feels I’m more than what I think I am and that I always seem to settle for people that do not deserve me. But, when you have a lower self-esteem than people actually have of you, it’s hard to see what they see. And so it took me two years to realize that I just ran straight into something that just wasn’t anything. We were “stuck” in a relationship, which felt more like two people being together just because…

And yes, that conflicted with the image of the life I thought I was meant to have as someone with a significant other. Yes, I wanted some of the rose-colored glasses sales pitch but I also wanted a bit of reality. And as I thought and analysed everything, I realized I wasn’t too demanding, I was just looking and begging for an emotional connection that just wasn’t there. So I did what I had advised so many others, I left. I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore of so many things but also of being a settler. Because I now know I can be.

I’m not by this saying that whenever something is wrong you should just give up. But if you try and the person in front of you don’t try to match you as much as you try to make it work, you need to start asking yourself some questions, re-evaluate, discuss with that person and see if they are willing to put in the same amount of effort that you do. Because any kind of relationship involves two people. Even the one you have with yourself. It involves the person you are and the person you strive to be.

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