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I'm too heavy

6/8/2017

15 Comments

 
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Hovered over the keyboard of my iPhone 7, my fingers surged with anxious energy. No, I wasn’t about to check my account balance, dial in for a job interview or
choose the toppings for my Domino’s delivery— quite the contrary— I was formulating a message on my latest, millennial dating endeavor: Bumble. 

Bumble, unlike its dating app counterparts, puts the ball almost entirely in the female’s court, (at least in my experience with the ‘females seeking males’ interface) so in a nutshell, it’s the ‘Sadie Hawkins dance’ of dating applications. Contrasting with Tinder, in which either party can make the first move, Bumble requires that women initiate a chat in 24 hours or less. 

Two things that make my stomach hurt? Making small talk via text and time constraints. But for some reason, I am oddly infatuated with Bumble. It’s kind of like pairing black and blue. We’re not entirely sure about how we feel about the color combo, but we do it anyway.

Alright, so on with the point of this article and the elusive “I’m too heavy” title. I’m getting there. I swear. 

As is customary on my blog, I’ll now delve into one of my many fatal flaws as a human. Today’s focus: my irrational fear of “coming on too strong.” I certainly don’t feel this way in regards to every single element of my life, mind you— I once wore a ball gown to a pizza shop— but as far as dating goes, it is a tremendous worry of mine.

So there I was, on Bumble, wrestling with the daunting task of composing that first, initiative message to my match. My thought process went a little something like this: How do I come across as calm, cool and collected while also being straightforward about what I want while also acting somewhat sexy while also not making this boy run for the hills? At least for me, the fear of coming on too strong applies to every single human interaction I ever make— romantic, or not.

Why are we so worried about being “too much”? When did that ever become a thing? 

As I write this post, I’m sitting on a bench in Washington Square park. I chose the first seat that I saw, which just so happened to be facing a jungle gym infested with children. After about 17 minutes of sitting here just blatantly staring like a total creeper, I’ve come to some conclusions.

The best and worst feature that children encompass is their filter— or rather, their lack thereof. Tiny humans express whatever the fuck comes to mind, whenever the fuck it comes to mind. They might be seated next to you in a pew at church, but if something in their tiny brain says “I’m hungry” you bet your tiny cup of grape juice that the kid will make it known to not only everyone in the building, but also the heavens above.   

But never has a screaming, red-faced child paused to consider “hey, maybe I’m coming on too strong with this.” 

So, when did we develop the fear of being “too much”? The answer to this question varies, but I believe that my concern stems from my crushing fear of rejection, which I began to experience the moment I got cut from the school production of Pinocchio. But if not for being cut from the play, I wouldn’t have discovered how much I enjoy writing. If I’d never uncovered that joy, this blog wouldn’t even exist. 

Ok, enough about Pinocchio. Plain and simple, here are some sentiments that we must practice: 

You will be too much for some people. Those are just not your people.

In regards to Bumble, I’m not too much for him. He is simply too little. 

Never, ever, EVER dilute yourself because someone can’t handle you at 100 proof. You aren’t shitty, watered-down tequila, honey, you are PATRÓN. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You will always be too much for someone. Too kind, too smart, too relaxed, too loud… 
But as Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says in season 4, “Honey, if I worried about what every bitch in New York was saying about me, I’d never leave the house.” 

Back to the children in the park analogy— one of the clearest memories I have as a child is ruthlessly pushing my poor friend Abbie headfirst down a snow-covered hill in grade school. In kinder words, my mom basically said to me: ‘Katy you seriously fucked up now go say you’re sorry.’  

I don’t pride myself in many things, but one of my strengths to this day is apologizing for my mistakes. “Sorry I’m late,” “Sorry for hitting your mailbox with my car,” “Sorry for eating all of your leftovers when I was drunk” …you get the picture. 

Always, always apologize for your mistakes. But don’t you dare apologize for being who you are. 

You aren’t too heavy, they are just too weak to carry you. 

You aren’t too much. 

You’re damn perfect.

Image is not my own; via Flikr.

15 Comments
Bridgett
6/8/2017 01:26:32 pm

LOVE

Reply
Alex
6/8/2017 02:18:37 pm

That was amazing! I was talking about something similar to my dad about being myself etc and this post was exactly what I needed! Thank you x

Reply
Linda
6/8/2017 02:32:04 pm

Thank you for using your platform to spread this message! I think it is so important to talk about this!
When I was younger I always thought that I had to change because I wasn't "cool" enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't interested in the popular clothes, music, movies but at the same time wasn't "edgy" enough to fit in in one of those "edgy" cliques.
My very first boyfriend agreed with anything and everything I ever said and never started a conversation with me, he didn't care about the things that I cared about. This drove me to complete madness so that, at one point, I actually tried to start a fight with him just to get some reaction out of him, I knew even then how absolutely crazy that was but it seemed like the only thing I could do, safe to say I failed, he was all "yes" and "amen" (can you hear me rolling my eyes?).
Many times I felt like I had to smile more for the Channing Tatum kind of guy because I should like that, that I should laugh about a joke some guy made even though I didn't find any humour in it, and in my head I started to dissect all the social injustices that joke played on, but I held my mouth shut b/c I didn't want anyone to think that I can't take a joke (eyes rolling again!).
No, FUCK THAT! And fuck anyone who tells you that you need to adjust your standards, or worse: your personality, for some boy you can't be yourself with! I'd rather be single for ever than be stuck with a guy who thinks my obsession over a book is wierd or someone who doesn't want to hear about theories I study and how I can suddenly see their relevance in all aspects of my daily life!
We don't have to agree on everything, we don't have to have the same hobbies or interests, I actually think that these differences are what makes a relationship interesting, as long as you are open and willing to listen and understand and I will give you the same in return.
I don't care about what you think you should be like, I care about who you are, give me truth so that I can be the true me.

Reply
Christina
6/8/2017 02:34:38 pm

Love this! I've been thinking about this lately because I recently got out of a relationship and was questioning if I wasn't enough or if I came off too strong and chased him away. But I realized I am enough. I shouldn't lower my standards or change who I am for anyone. Maybe he was just "to weak to carry me." It was nice to read this and reaffirm everything I was feeling. Thank you ❤

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Katie Sartz link
6/8/2017 05:25:49 pm

I'm in LOVE with this perspective. We aren't a burden. We just are. And people who think we are a burden don't belong in our lives. Thanks for sharing another glimpse into your mind

www.katiesartz.com

Reply
Aranzazu
6/8/2017 08:15:31 pm

Love it, can relate <3

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Madi
6/8/2017 10:26:29 pm

You seriously have SUCH a way with words. I needed this. I often find myself feeling like a burden to people, like I'm too much to handle or something. It's a shitty feeling. Thank you for this. Keep it up girl.

Reply
Emily link
6/12/2017 11:12:35 am

Damn girl, you said it. Love this though!

Em (thetwentyyears.co.uk)

Reply
Rita
6/13/2017 11:45:42 am

wowow, this is very important.
you are a great human.
please keep being awesome.

Reply
Nicole
6/13/2017 01:20:54 pm

Wow this was amazing. You're really good at writing.
Kisses from Sweden!
( wow i felt like a grandmother who just discovered how to comment on a youtube video writing that )

I just wanted to let you know that even people from Sweden read your blog, or at least me :)

Reply
Sara
7/16/2017 06:15:19 am

I'm from Finland and I read her blog! nice to see neighbours here :D

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Cambria link
6/15/2017 04:26:28 pm

Whenever I get a match, (and I always message first because I'm an impatient person) I message, "Hey" or What's up?" or "What's your favorite book?" because I'm afraid to say something more than that. Yeah, I'll look at his bio and pictures to try to come up with something witty to say, but I get too scared and always go back to "Hey" or" What's your favorite book?" I spend way too much time trying to figure out what to message a guy who probably won't respond. I have more important things to do. I've been told many times, that I come off too strong when I meet new people. Sometimes even when I'm with people I've known for years. I'm just a really passionate person about the things I love and I can't help that. I don't want to have to tone myself down to make someone else comfortable. When it comes to dating apps, I try not to worry if the other person is going to respond. If they don't, then its nothing to stress over because it wasn't meant to be. At the risk of sounding cheesy, if it's meant to be, then we'll find each other. A dating app won't stand in the way of that. 

Reply
Chiara Caggiani
6/16/2017 04:55:39 am

This is so true!! I´m a really spontaneous and outgoing person. Some people admire this feature of mine but others find me, as you said, "too heavy". Unfotunately, i care about what others think about me more than i should, so as a result i´m always thinking everything i want to say twice before i say it. It really hits me when i say the wrong thing to someone i care about and that sucks because this is who i am! I know that sometines i talk a little too much but that is because i´m friendly with people and no one should make me feel as though that is a bad thing.

Reply
Sydney
6/17/2017 12:22:53 pm

ugh Carrie Bradshaw you are not

Reply
Taylor
8/9/2017 10:27:42 pm

Your writing is so AMAZING and your perspective on life is inspiring :)

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