writing hard and clear about what hurts. | THE KATY PROJECT
  the katy project
  • THE BLOG
  • Ask Katy
  • WTF
  • CONTACT
  • THE BLOG
  • Ask Katy
  • WTF
  • CONTACT
Picture

STOP LOOKING FOR HIM

8/15/2017

27 Comments

 
Picture
“It was New Years Eve. I slammed the car door in his face and he ended up being my husband,” the woman seated opposite me declared, her candle-lit eyes meeting mine over the elaborate floral centerpiece as she lifted a glass to her lips. 

It was the second day of a recent blogging excursion to the beautiful yet quaint town of Stone Ridge, New York, and after a long day of shooting, we were treated to an outdoor patio dinner. I was unsurprisingly the youngest blogger invited on the trip, seated ironically across from the most established woman in the room. Upon spying my name card opposite hers, I quickly gave myself a mental pep talk. “Don’t say anything stupid, Katy.”

As we ate, the sun lazily dipped below the long slanted roof of the house, a blanket of dusk settling around us. Fireflies flickered in the woods, seemingly unperturbed by the clinking of glasses and loud, trilling voices. 

It was getting to be that familiarly hazy part of the evening where formalities are reduced and stories become more saturated in romance and red wine. 

The engagement rings of nearly every woman seated at the table seemed to sparkle with each raise of a fork or tuck of a stray hair, as they recounted the ways in which their husbands had proposed. I sat and listened, marveling at the crinkling of the eyes of the storyteller as they recounted tender memories of the heartfelt proposal, a warm sensation forming at the pit of my stomach. 

“So, you slammed the door in his face, and then what happened?” I asked eagerly, leaning in ever so slightly to the older woman. 
“He called me the very next day and asked me out to the movies,” she replied, smiling.
“And you said yes?” I asked.
“Well, sure.” she said. “I wasn’t entirely sold on the idea, but I went.”
“And how did it go?”
She held up her hand, weighed down by the strain of about six diamond bands on her ring finger. 
“You could say it went pretty well.” 

The woman went on to recount every last detail about her engagement, wedding, and first home, delighted to tell me every chance she had that she’d “hit the jackpot.” 

“The secret is to find a man who isn’t intimidated by your success, and is the first to tell you that all of your critics are ridiculous and should go to Hell,” she said. 

A hollow pang in my chest whisked me back into reality, bitterly reminding me that I haven’t found someone like that yet, no matter how hard I’ve tried. 

As if sensing a change in my demeanor, she wagged a finger at me. “Katy, you have to stop looking for him,” she said. 

I groaned. “So much easier said than done.”
Picture
I have come to the conclusion that a fatal flaw of mine is a severe lack of patience. 

I’ve spent my whole life setting goals and chasing them until my legs practically give out, not resting until every box is checked.

I’ve gotten used to being the “yes, of course I can” girl, rather than the “hmm maybe I should check and see if this is rational” girl. I’ve postponed sleep, refused help and have even gone to the extent of hot-gluing decorations for an upcoming formal event in the dark with only the light of my iPhone screen while my roommates slept. 

To most, I’m either a crazy person or inspiring. 
To me, I fear living a life without goals and spending every waking moment aiming to reach them. 

I recently picked up a book called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson. (And by “picked up” I mean I went home for a week and found it propped against my pillow — thanks, Mom, I get the message.) Early on in the novel, Manson unpacks the idea of “happiness” and essentially how we give too much of a fuck about achieving it. 

“There is a premise that underlies a lot of our assumptions and beliefs. The premise is that happiness is algorithmic, that it can be worked for and earned and achieved as if it were getting accepted to law school or building a really complicated Lego set. If I achieve X, then I can be happy. If I look like Y, then I can be happy. If I can be with a person like Z, then I can be happy.”

The final line to this section, which reads, “Happiness is not a solvable equation,” hit me like a truck. 

Happiness is not a solvable equation.

I’ve never been very passionate about mathematics, but I admittedly have been treating my life like one of the various math equations I slaved over memorizing in high school. I thought if I did everything “right” and added the correct parts into the equation, that I would be entitled to a “perfect” result. 
Picture
On-trend wardrobe, check. Good friends, check. Good sense of humor, check. Communicative but not annoying, check.

I’ve played the game, acted the part, but feel absolutely deflated when I don’t get the results. 
“We have evolved to always live with a certain degree of dissatisfaction and insecurity,” Manson continues, “because its the mildly dissatisfied and insecure creature that’s going to do the most work to innovate and survive. We are wired to become dissatisfied with whatever we have and satisfied by only what we do not have.”

Ah, so it isn’t just me. 

Ok, back to the candlelit dinner. After some thinking, I’ve come to the conclusion that the “hollow pang” I so eloquently described earlier was bred not from my own insecurity, but from comparison. 

Truthfully, I’ve grown pretty fucking proud of my life. I’ve become fairly content with my appearance, gotten to know my strengths, weaknesses and fears, and have found solace in the constant of these things. It’s taken me forever, and I’m certainly not without bad days of deafening insecurity, but I’m getting there.

But it’s times like the candle-lit dinner in Stone Ridge that I feel most hollow and unaccomplished. Why? Because I, a human wired to be dissatisfied with what I have and satisfied by only what I do not have, began to compare myself. 

I cannot speak for the woman opposite me, but she could’ve been analyzing me, a young woman free of wrinkles with seemingly endless potential, and feeling the same way. 

In the moment, though, all I saw was what I am not. 
Picture
But then it dawned on me— will I ever be done comparing myself? Even if I reach that pinnacle point of “Yes! I made it! My life is how I’ve always wanted it to be!” I’ll still find something to nit-pick. A grey hair. A sagging ass. A trendier, younger version of myself taking my job from me. The comparison game never ends. We’re never quite “done,” if you think about it. 

The only thing that can change the way we view the comparison game is— yes, you guessed it: giving less of a fuck. Deciding that we don’t care about any of it. Others' success is not your failure.

BUT IT’S HARD. 

Like, so what if I’m balancing college, a social life, heading several boards of extracurriculars and running a successful lifestyle brand but somehow find myself still ‘hopelessly single’? 

Despite my successes, it’s that one, nagging “red flag” that I find myself highlighting and aggressively underlining on a daily basis. That one “flaw” has singlehandedly driven me insane in the past. It’s provoked me to do things extremely out of character.

It’s like looking at a photo of yourself where you look good but a single, annoying hair is out of place. “It would be perfect if that one stupid hair wasn’t sticking up making me look like I’m a cast member of The Little Rascals.”

I’ll never be done comparing myself. 
Picture

I’m consistently haunted by the idea that I’m wasting my time living a life that isn’t how I’ve always imagined that it would be. But that’s the thing: you can’t outsmart life. 

No matter what equation you try to play, life still has a way of turning you upside-down on your head and saying “Ha! Nice try.” 

“Katy, you have to stop looking for him,” the older woman had said to me, her brow knitting into a concerned yet empathetic expression. And she’s right, in more ways than one. 

It’s like attempting to assemble a 300-piece puzzle in the span of 30 minutes. This sort of attempt will result in a handful of broken puzzle pieces and maybe even a paper cut or two. 

I can’t keep exhausting myself looking for puzzle pieces that aren’t ready to be placed yet. 

It’s hard to adopt this attitude, simply because so often we’re taught that the more effort that is exerted into a task, the better the results. In most cases, however, it’s better if you don’t try. 

It’s better to just be. It will all come together eventually, and even then, your life won’t ever be entirely “together.” You just have to give less of a fuck about perfection and accept this.

Stop looking for him. Stop looking for her. Stop looking for it, whatever it may be. 

JUST STOP. 

What you want will find you when you’re busy, hair in the wind, determination in your eyes, building an empire.
Picture
​
Top photo by @lukeschuetrumpf. I do not own any of the graphics. 
27 Comments
Madeleine
8/15/2017 06:43:15 pm

you never fail to make me smile! Love this!

Reply
Sara Valente
8/15/2017 06:52:38 pm

thank u thank u thank u! i needed to hear this and i am so glad someone finally has! u have taught me so much over the years and i can say this blog post is one of my favorite things u have done! u are such an inspiration to me and my friends. stay u and ya dont give a fuck about what others say katy bc i know you will find a way around the world and u will bee the best you can be so thank u for this!!

Reply
Madi
8/15/2017 07:17:39 pm

"What you want will find you when you’re busy, hair in the wind, determination in your eyes, building an empire." I'm writing this down and keeping it with me! Thank you for this, its helping me focus and work on myself!

Reply
Jennifer Cano
8/15/2017 07:31:28 pm

Katy this is post is absolutely great! Very thought provoking and I love how thoughtful you are. Things like this are why I have followed you for years. Loved, loved, and love this so much!

Reply
Rachel
8/15/2017 08:07:37 pm

Katy I truly thank you. I've spent my whole life working my ass off and yet waiting for a man to "complete" me. It's hard not to look at everyone else and question what is wrong with yourself, and why can't I just have that. I'm at a very low point in my life and feel like I was supposed to read this. Thank you.

Reply
Jane
8/15/2017 08:32:12 pm

I needed this!

Reply
asya
8/16/2017 03:13:26 am

Katy, I'm from Turkey -which is far away from where you live but I want to say every time I read your blog I feel like you just say the things I need to hear those days. You remind me that even though I am a strong woman I am allowed to feel lonely, feel inadequate too because I am a human. Thank you for always helping me to see the light when my thoughts haunting me.

Reply
Cassidy
8/16/2017 08:09:11 am

love this

Reply
Brooke link
8/16/2017 08:09:59 am

You literally hit the nail on the head EVERY. TIME. !!!! Keep it up girl, LOVE these posts

Reply
Maria
8/16/2017 11:05:42 am

"It was getting to be that familiarly hazy part of the evening where formalities are reduced and stories become more saturated in romance and red wine." This is such a good line, I love it. I just recently started reading your blog and I'm so glad I did because everything you write is amazing and so relatable. Thank you!!! You're such a great writer, keep it up!

Reply
Rita
8/16/2017 04:52:15 pm

I needed this , this is amazing :)

Reply
Taylor
8/16/2017 11:45:55 pm

I currently am laying in bed because some stupid boy broke me yet again. The first thing I did was go on a run to process everything and then immediately pull up your videos or blog while listening to Ben Howard. I couldn't thank you enough for this post. It was exactly what I needed and I'm going to be okay!

fuck him.
if I needed him, then he should have been here.
I'm better off needing someone who truly wants me.

THANK YOU

Reply
Emma
8/17/2017 08:40:27 pm

Thank you so much for this. I've recently started reading your posts and watching your videos so I won't lie and say I'm a long time fan/supporter but just in my recent obsession of you, I've learned a lot. I have a serious issue with comparing myself to others and it's so refreshing to see someone like you (the kind of person I would usually compare myself to) be honest about feeling these ways too.

Reply
Sofia
8/17/2017 10:54:58 pm

THIS! Like so many others commenting, I definitely needed to read this and even more so realize this. I just recently exited a 'relationship', if you could even call it that, with a boy I cared little for. I haven't had much experience with dating before and now more than ever I realized I did it just to feel something. I think part of me wanted him to break my heart so I could feel what it was like, needing to eat ice cream, watch a good rom-com and blast Adele as I cry my heart out. I only did it in search of feeling and all I got was a lousy "see ya later". It was rather anticlimactic because it was forced. I just need to be and let live. I think heartbreak can wait. I have some pretty world-changing things to do. Thanks again, Katy.

Reply
Snow
8/18/2017 08:02:17 am

Your blog posts are so unapologetic true and exactly what I need (and I highly suspect I'm not alone). I feel like the few times I was in a so called relationship, I loved more the fact that I had somebody to hold than I loved the person itself. I realize how selfish and...sad that is. And this post explains it precisely. (For me you have a very Carrie vibe.I love it)
Thank you,
Snow

Reply
Mer
8/18/2017 09:25:41 am

Thank you so much for this post Katy! I really need this badly right now. Currently in a low situation of my life, just got my heart broken again. Feeling devastated, having my heart broken over and over again, when I invested so much emotions into people who dont even give a single fuck. I have been craving for love and intimacy the whole time in the past year. I feel like I started to lose myself, and plus losing hope. Still haven't manage to find the person, but I'm already full of wounds.

Reply
Annie
8/18/2017 02:17:03 pm

I find people so often telling me to "appreciate the place you're in right now" and "stop looking so far into the future", but it's difficult when the game of comparison is so prominent. It's can be hard to appreciate the experiences you're having that are going to eventually lead you to your "happily ever after".
I find myself of YouTube watching wedding videos, tears on my cheeks wondering "WHERE IS MY MR. RIGHT??" Thank you for making me feel less like a crazy person, I love reading your blog posts xox

Reply
Bridgett
8/18/2017 09:01:26 pm

Ugh the ending line is so perfect. I'm hoping this strategy pays off eventually because I'm busier than a lot of people, yet I still have time to search for a relationship. Funny how that works. This year, I'm gonna get caught up in the action and do my thing completely and I'll see where it takes me. Thank you for this.

Reply
Elena link
8/19/2017 04:30:37 am

Are you me at 21?https://dexterouslyclumsy.wordpress.com/2014/07/08/single-forever/
(Only less bitter) I only wish I had found you when I had all of those crippling thoughts. Great post, as always.

Reply
Carrie
8/21/2017 11:39:13 pm

I was crying my heart out right before i read this because of a breakup and it is so true i need to stop chasing boys and start chasing my dreams and also as said it is easier said than done i admire you a not only because of your way with words but for your passion and if you have not yet had someone to love it is only due the fact that someone greater than all those stupid boys awaits love you

Reply
Abigail Akyiaw link
8/26/2017 10:54:53 am

Lovely post! It seems a lot of us have a lack of patience because we want everything right away without realizing sometimes those things aren't needed in our life at the moment.

Reply
Andrea Tiffany link
8/26/2017 10:44:05 pm

Hi Katy, I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your post. I've followed you for years on YouTube now, and recently started reading your blog as well. I have my own blog, which is why I was interested when you started yours. I really liked reading this post because I relate to this so much. I always feel like I am chasing after something, and my actions just make things ten times more difficult for myself. It's better to just go with the flow, and let things happen to you. I hate stressing out, and I want to try to stop overthinking things and looking for my "happiness". But instead to appreciate everything I do have, and appreciate the happiness I have in the here and now. Though it's definitely easier said than done.
This post definitely came at a good time for me because I went through a really shitty summer because of stupid guy drama. And it sucks because I shouldn't be going through such drama, as I am a senior in uni now. And I thought I left that all behind in high school.
Anyways just wanted to say I really related a lot, and I definitely need to stop trying to find those "puzzle pieces that aren't ready to be placed yet" as you phrased it.
Not sure if you read your comments, but wanted to stop by and say hi and thanks :)

~Andrea Tiffany~
aglimpseofglam.blogspot.com

Reply
Tania
9/1/2017 08:35:49 pm

Katy, thank you so much for this post. You have no idea how much I've needed this.
I just went thru a bad break up & this was just the thing that I needed for a 'pick me up'.

Reply
Samantha N
9/4/2017 12:09:28 pm

Katy, please make an RSS feed.

Reply
Madison link
9/7/2017 08:30:06 am

Hey Katy! I just wanted to say that your blog posts and videos have made such a positive impact on my life, I truly believe you were blessed with a gift to help people especially young women by just being real, being you, and giving your best advice. You're such a positive energy and a ray of hope for me when things aren't going quite as planned. You've inspired me to start my own blog and post more of my writings online and so I just had to say thanks and keep doing what you're doing!! <3

Reply
Kaylee link
9/14/2017 04:48:59 pm

Katy, you are such an amazing and raw human being. I love your sincerity and your truth, your wisdom and your words, your experiences and your personality. It's so amazing growing up alongside you and learning as we go. It's important to always think about everything in life, and I love how you always question and touch subjects that not everyone is willing to touch. Thank you so much for being real and genuine and for being you. You inspire me everyday and make me want to better myself as one should as they learn new things based on their experiences.
~Kaylee~
kayleescornersite.wordpress.com

Reply
Sara link
10/4/2017 05:25:36 am

Genuinely raw and real. Thank you.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    READ MORE ▽

    I'M TOO HEAVY
    COLLEGE PARTIES
    I HATE MY THIGHS
    FRENCH KISSES

    Archives

    July 2018
    June 2018
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016

KATY BELLOTTE © COPYRIGHT 2016. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.