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Some pretty f*cked up déjà vu.

6/26/2017

27 Comments

 
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“I’ll see you around,” he lied.
“Yeah for sure,” I lied right back. 

The hand that had once dragged itself lazily across my cheek clutched the metal knob of the door. Sparkling bits of dust swirled in the early morning light as the door swung shut, an air of stillness settling over my bedroom.  

I gathered my duvet closer to my body and stared blankly at the plastic stars on the ceiling. One stubborn star was freeing itself from the glue that adhered it above my bed, hanging on helplessly by a thread. 

I laid there, replaying the entire encounter in my head, flagging potential flaws in my behavior, the stupid words I must’ve said, where I must’ve ‘gone wrong’…

“I’ll see you around.”

He didn’t look into my eyes as he spoke. If it wasn’t for that small, fleeting detail, I might’ve believed him.

It was the most classic phrase in the book of “What To Say To A Girl You’re Done With.”
I might be stupid when it comes to choosing between Dominos pizza or a college-aged boy at 2 a.m., but I’m not stupid when it comes to “I’ll see you around”’s. 

I combed a hand through my messy hair and swallowed back the “oh, please do’s” and “let’s hang out again soon”’s that I’d been guilty of saying in the past— my feeble attempt of not becoming the victim of yet another one-night-stand. 

As he disappeared behind the closing door, all I could think was: “Well this is some pretty fucked up déjà vu.” 
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Does it get better, or do we just get used to it?

I know what you’re thinking. How could I be so naïve? Shouldn’t I just stay away from the things that constantly seem to come crashing down around me?

Guys, guys, guys. I wish it were that easy.

People get drunk.
People hook up.
People act tough.
People smile through the pain.

It’s all very intoxicating; the thought of actually, finally ‘getting it right this time.’ In fact, the feeling is so intoxicating that even the most intelligent and thoughtful of people go mad over it. 

Just look at Romeo and Juliet. “Here’s to my love! O true apothecary,
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.”
 (act 5, scene 3). 
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Even the most relaxed of people become obsessive. 
They try to distract their hearts, doing anything and everything to prevent themselves from missing someone; from missing what could’ve been. 

It frustrates me on a daily basis, simply because I know the truth but refuse to accept it. Like I said in my last blog post, what we want hardly ever matches up with what we allow and accept. 

Here is the truth: Looking for fulfillment outside of yourself results in pain, self-hatred and exhaustion.

But, here is why it is so hard for us to grasp this… 

The feeling of warm, strong arms around you, the symphonic thud of heartbeats in unison, fluttering eyelashes against skin. For me, the intimacy aspect is what entices me to run right back into the trap every single time, like clockwork. 

The good morning texts, the bragging rights among friends (“oh, you guys wouldn’t believe his abs!”) the social media photos… the reasons behind craving a significant other are different for everyone, yet the same in principle.

It’s a feeling so intoxicating that we can’t see straight. 

It’s like the feeling of finally zipping up the pants you swore you’d never fit into ever again.
The feeling when you ace a test after weeks of studying.
The feeling of looking at your bank statement and actually having enough to buy a round of margs and not go hungry. 

Feeling like you’ve finally ‘got it right’ is a sensation that tops any other. 
When it disappears as quickly as it arrived, we feel deflated. 

For lack of a more eloquent phrase to describe the feeling: I need to chill the fuck out. I know I do. I need to distract myself. Go to the gym more. Drink some green shit. Write more. Read more. Go for a walk or two. 

I need to do anything that I can to distract myself from my powerful need for the gratification that intimacy and male attention gives me. Because up until this point, chasing the feeling of finally ‘getting it right’ and ‘getting the guy,’ has left me both utterly wrong and alone. 

That’s what happens. You let people in, and without them even knowing it, they destroy you. 

But I stride confidently into the situation every single time, almost daring them to hurt me. It’s like taunting a starving dog with a piece of meat, knowing the chance of getting your fingers nipped is high. 

I do it willingly; dangling what they want most in their face and still having the audacity to hope that they won’t just take what they want and run. 

I do it to myself, really. 

The remedy: 
Let it hurt, but then let it go. Take a shower. Wash your sheets. Go for a run. Move on.

Someday, you won’t have to do all of this. Someday, it will be right. That “Someday” just isn’t today. 
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27 Comments
Dyae Ejrhom
6/26/2017 06:18:54 pm

As i entered your blog, i was aiming to read for the fourth time the " too heavy" post. I guess i will never have enough of it. Surprisingly, I have found this. and god knows how much i needed it. For two weeks now, i have been trying to find a logical meaning to thoughts like " almost forever"s, " catch you around"s, or worst " i will always be there for you"s. Thoughts that people never stick to.
i have found myself hang up on the idea that maybe the special someone that i want to see so bad will eventually reach out and be a man of his word. That Maybe his words will finally turn to actions and i will never have to look for excuses to justify a tornado of words empty of meaning . But i guess that some things will never change...
Keep preaching Katy. your words are the best things that could ever happen to me right now and i will never thank you enough for that ..
I hope i will get to meet you soon. a lot of love from morocco xxx

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Yaleshka Estrada
6/26/2017 06:51:35 pm

I can't express enough how much I relate to these posts. It's like these people are my drug. Addicted to them, knowing that they're just a high but right after I end up on the low. Thank you Katy for these posts. Like you said, I really hope someday it'll be right. Xxx

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Taylor Brittingham
6/26/2017 06:54:17 pm

You are like the modern day Carrie Bradshaw. This blog post literally spoke right to me. I read it and had to share it with all my friends because it's so true and honest. We all have felt like this.

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Jordan
6/26/2017 07:15:06 pm

Love this so much!!

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Prabhjot
6/26/2017 07:16:22 pm

I have been following your YouTube videos for quite sometime and have just recently began to read your blogs. I absolutely love the content you put out and can confidently say that you are my favorite YouTube and blogger. Your words are said in a way that is so different from any other person on YouTube and I love your take on every topic you choose. I will be a freshman in college this year and am going through a truly tough time right now. The most painful thing I am experiencing is having to let go of someone you still long to be with. Your videos and blogposts help ease this pain and I am very thankful for your this. They serve as good motivation and help me to see that there is a future and not everything goes the way we wish it would.
P.s. I love your style and your Instagram

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Kily
6/26/2017 07:31:05 pm

Maybe you're not finding a man bc you give it up too easily. What guy is going to take you serious if you have no self respect no guy wants a girl that's too easy. think about it goodnight!

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Katya
6/26/2017 08:05:57 pm

If you want to have sex but make yourself wait to seem more "alluring" or "valuable" you're no different from those other girls who lie about their personalities. Authenticity lies in staying true to yourself, even if it's incredibly judged by some people. Staying true to you, even if that means easily leaping into sex, is the only way to find someone who truly loves you to the bottom of your soul. Never lie or let other people shame you into the behaviour they deem "right".

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Sarah
6/30/2017 04:30:49 am

Can't believe how many people still share this view... So it's okay for guys to do the same but women are immediately judged as having no self-respect and to be too available?
If he's meant to be the person for you, he will fall in love with you anyway, no matter if you slept with him in the first night or not.
What I think is that you get a feeling with the years (as sad as it sounds), if this guy might be more into you or if he is just interested in sex. And then you have to choose if you're up for that and what you will possibly feel the next day and it that's worth it. Playing hard to get will definitely not get you the guy either.

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monsedlvs
6/26/2017 07:35:29 pm

thank you for always getting the right spot, your words are simply the best! Can't wait for the book, much love from México ❤

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Elly
6/26/2017 07:52:06 pm

I cannot thank you enough for these posts, Katy. They're so cleverly thought out and written, and I always look forwarding to reading them. Keep doing what you're doing and thanks again for knowing what to say when I need it.

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Emily link
6/26/2017 08:08:31 pm

Thank you for this. Keep writing raw stuff. I love it.

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Erin
6/26/2017 10:32:49 pm

This is perfect. I needed this more than I can say. Thank you so much Katy xoxo

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Nithya link
6/26/2017 10:34:18 pm

If it's an consolation sometimes you can feel like that while in a relationship. Even one where the person says over and over again that they want to marry you. And at some level it's probably true. But when you're caught in the stasis of not giving each other what the other person needs... It's like staring straight into an endless void. And wanting so desperately to be right, knowing fully you're holding onto dissolving strings.

Any case, lovely writing Katy. I really look forward to your incites into life. We're not alone. None of us are.

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Lilia
6/26/2017 10:39:22 pm

Katy this blog might help x
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/secret-cost-women-have-casual-sex-part-1/

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Ana
6/26/2017 10:40:46 pm

This is so well written. People need to talk about feelings more. Good job.

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addyson
6/26/2017 11:06:05 pm

you have such incredible talent when it comes to writing and I hope you never let it get away from you. keep being unapologetically you xx

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Inka
6/27/2017 05:04:23 am

This is so relateable!! I'm 22 and I was a virgin until recently. I was at a party and had a few drinks and an old friend from school showed up. He was so nice and everything so I thought ´hey, why not?´. After we did what we did he wanted me to stay over and asked if we could go out together sometime. Well, he did not text me after that. I was thinking that maybe I said something wrong or that I was not good enough in terms of sex...I don't know...so I decided to be brave and texted him. I told him that I enjoyed the night with him and asked him if he wants to hang out. He texted back saying he is busy and that this night should stay our secret. I mean ......
I'm so frustrated. I know virginity is overrated, but I waited so long and at the end I shared this moment with such a douche. I'm angry at myself for being so stupid and I'm still asking myself if I did or said something wrong. I wasn't in love with him or so, but it does hurt.
PS: sorry for the mistakes I'm not a native :D

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Isa
6/28/2017 11:53:32 am

I can relate so much to that! I mean, even if you don't really have feelings for the person, it's just so terrible when someone you had sex with just ignores you after. Hope you can forget this asshole!

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Sarah
6/27/2017 06:14:09 am

This is what I needed right now. Thank you for summing up all of the things I have been feeling over the past month so elequantly. It's honestly spectacular! I had to laugh because so much of what you said is exactly what I have been trying to tell myself. Go to the gym, distract yourself. The hard part is going to bed at night and facing that confusing thought of knowing that deep down you don't want to be with that person... like you don't know them... how could it be possible to want more than just sex. But then realizing that what ever that was, was better than being by yourself right now.

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Sydney
6/27/2017 08:03:46 am

Katy, this so REAL and VULNERABLE. This post is exactly how I've been feeling for so long, and it's incredible to see somehow put into words what so many young women are going through.

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Katia
6/27/2017 09:36:02 pm

I almost feel like to have a positive experience with the hookup culture you have to be really good at recognizing and going after exactly what you want. I'm definitely not. I found myself a year ago hooking up with people for all of the horribly wrong reasons and regretting it to my core after. I never had sex with anyone, and I wasn't even with that many guys, but even my innocent make outs just made me feel awful. I made a decision to listen to myself more carefully, and now I haven't hooked up with a guy in a year and couldn't be happier. My friends were all super confused by my behavior and why I wasn't hooking up with anyone, and I was too at first. I just knew that I needed to give my self space to breathe and think about what I wanted. I realized that I am at a place where I want an emotional relationship and that "quick fix" hookups aren't how I get there. It is really hard though, because I sometimes feel like most guys aren't on that same page. I don't know boys are really confusing. Sorry for the ramble, just thought I would share.

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Bel
6/28/2017 11:56:21 am

Hey Katy! You're such a beautiful girl, and you have so many boy friends, it always amazes me that you don't have a boyfriend... I mean, are you being too picky with guys? Maybe you're expecting too much of them.

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Lyla
6/28/2017 12:46:51 pm

been watching your vids for a while. you are a gorgeous soul.
stay true to your path. get to know yourself. allow yourself to hurt. the better you get to know yourself the sooner you will learn what works for you and what you can't accept happening anymore.
I wish you all the love in the world.

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Sophie
6/28/2017 02:06:22 pm

Thank god I am not the only one!! You truly hit the nail on the head everytime Katy! Looking forward to future articles:))

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Michelle
6/28/2017 02:41:44 pm

Dear Katy,

Everything you wrote in this post & from your Youtube video is so relevant to so many of our lives, mine included. You put into words what 90% of us may have trouble comprehending about ourselves.

I get it. I get all of it. But may I share a piece of advice with you, one that I have recently come to terms with myself?

I stopped trying to force it. No, I didn't give up, and no, I didn't doubt myself or my past experiences.

I wanted to stop the pattern that I was inevitably going into. After my most recent breakup, around 6 months ago, I told myself I was going to stop. I stopped going on Tinder and I stopped fantasizing about the guys I worked with - the one's that suddenly started liking me - like they knew I was going on this "boy hiatus" or something. I stopped feeling the need to text back that random guy I met at club one night; something I normally would have done because "I felt bad" or because "he was a nice guy", or because like you mentioned, my optimistic side says "maybe he could be The One"...even though in the back of my mind, I knew that whatever I would have with [said guy] would be temporary. So many times I continued or started stuff with guys because I just couldn't bare to think about the possibility of me ending the "potential" of something real...

But I wanted to stop the repetition. I was tired of the repetition - meeting someone, the back and forth texting about superficial things, the stage 3 hookups occurring in a matter of days, the planning of the same dates that I've been on so many times, and the eventual lead to a slow fade...a lack of interest once again....

Truth is, I was tired of the routine, and the fact that I honestly feel like I've done all of "it" so many times before. When you're just starting to date, there are so many "firsts" that you experience, but for me, I started feeling like I was repeating my "firsts", eventually turning them into what felt like my "30th's".

I want more firsts, I just didn't want the same firsts I've had 1000 times before. I want someone to show me new things, do new things with me, share new things with me. I want to feel different than I have in the past from whatever relationship I'm in. In order to remotely get on the track of doing this, I knew I needed to stop. I've been involved/dating guys non-stop for about 5 years straight....and I told myself that this is the year that I don't want to be involved with anyone. Now don't get me wrong, if I magically happen to meet someone organically where my gut responds in such a way that gives my heart fluttering palpitations (also, notice how I said gut? Because your gut is always right), then I will obviously make an exception. But unless I get that instinctual feeling, right now I don't want to be dating anyone, "talking" to anyone, or casually "seeing" anyone.

There are many nights that I get lonely and I am so tempted to just re-download that app, or go hookup with some random from a night out - but then I remind myself of that routine, of that wedge I keep digging.

Honestly, one of my fears is that one day that wedge will become too deep & not only will I have a lot of trouble getting out, but the idea of love and dating will become numb to me. I can't feel numb to something so amazing...and that scares me so much.

So my fellow ladies & Katy, my advice is to not become numb. Take a break, be happy with the love in your life now, and work towards goals for the future. When you start to see that self- growth, that change, that will make you happy, promise.

& Like you said Katy, that "someday" will eventually come, but maybe it's just not today...and that's okay too.

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Stacie
7/4/2017 08:04:09 am

Ahhh that anecdote intro fucked me upp, love your writing style so please keep theses blogs cominnn'

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Jacky
10/21/2017 03:14:30 pm

Katy this helps so much. It's like you put what I feel in words. I love your blog. It helps me think. He did not reply in two days. I'll get over it. The world will not end. And we will keep on being fabulous women.

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