It may or may not be common knowledge that I’ve spent about a third of my life rattling off anecdotes and whimsical thoughts to a camera, alone in my suburban bedroom.
After seven years as ‘that one girl who makes those videos,’ I’ve rambled at length about countless subjects: the trials of hair removal, menstruation, relationships, ripping my pants in public and love. I’ve endured the torment in high school, the seemingly light-hearted (but still totally offensive) mockery in college and the emotional strain that comes from putting yourself ‘out there’ to an audience of over 27 million— all, in hopes that my stories will help at least one person out there feel a little less hopeless.
I have received pages upon pages of praise from a subscriber pool of over 400,000 worldwide, saluting my 'honesty' and 'courage' online, but I’ve been intentionally ignoring the 6,000-pound elephant in my bedroom.
I AM A COWARD.
I have strategically maneuvered myself around the subject of sex for seven years now, for the complete benefit of polishing my own reputation. My biggest fear for quite some time has been the image of my estranged third-grade teacher who I'm friends with on Facebook, shaking her head with disapproval at this headline appearing on her feed.
After much deliberation with the angel and devil on my shoulders, I’ve decided that enough is enough.
It is tremendously difficult to find honest accounts about sex online, and I am sick of living my life knowing that young people are out there in need of the actual truth. You can hear about it a million times in the same sterile, generic form, but hear about it once in its true light, and it might have the weight to powerfully enlighten the youth of our day. I think it’s time that someone is honest about this stuff.
Sex. SEX. S-E-X. Granted, I wasn’t capable of even uttering the word “sex” in 2009 without blushing, but it has taken me until the hard age of twenty to speak freely about it online. Ultimately, I have been afraid of the judgement that would ensue the second that the ‘unclean’ word left my lips. Would the entire world crumble around me? Probably. I suppose I won’t really know until I click ‘publish’ on this post.
What ever happened to publishing the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Two dogs, tails wagging and eyes gleaming, grope each other in broad daylight and its deemed adorable, but the second a girl decides to even simply write about sex, it’s considered unbecoming and distasteful.
Nearly everyone is either ‘doing it’ or thinking about ‘doing it,’ but hardly anybody is talking about it. Instead of locking away the subject of sex in the crowded dungeon of social taboos, maybe it’s time we take a crack at it.
Most of us can recall The Breakfast Club’s Allison ‘The Basketcase’ Reynolds’ famous theory about sex:
“Well, if you say you haven’t, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap.”
It seems that no matter which side of the line we choose to stand on, we’re at fault somehow.
When I first ‘got lucky’ (just one of the 99+ euphemisms for sex that I found online), I spent roughy 45 seconds afterwords in utter shock. “That was it?!!” I thought. No fireworks? No rainbows and riding off on horseback into an entrancing sunset? “I wish I had been more prepared for this.. I want my money back,” I’d thought, reflecting back on the hours of tuned-out health class lectures in middle school. The second my 55-year-old teacher had mentioned the word “penetration,” his jugular bulging with each syllable, I was done. Perhaps, if I'd been more informed initially in a way that was easier for my teenaged mind to digest, things would have gone differently for me.
To the several thousand (not an exaggeration) of my blog, YouTube, Twitter and Instagram followers who have begged me to speak openly about sex, I’m finally hoisting up my big-girl panties and laying all of my cards on the table.
I came across a quote once that read, “Be as hairy, dirty, and expressive as you want to be.”
I am not looking for your praise. I am not looking for your scorn. All I wish to achieve by speaking openly about sex online, is the hope that young men and women everywhere will realize that they are not alone in what they are doing and how they are feeling. We’re told that it’s normal for our hormones to run rampant in our teens, but regardless of the science involved, it’s socially criminal to not only — *gasp*— have sex (?!) but, —*gasp*— actually talk about it? Bullshit.
Let’s face it. It’s happening, and it will continue to happen.
The more we openly speak about sex, condoms, birth control and STD’s, ultimately, the safer the whole rodeo will become. At this rate, the most I read about sex online comes from faceless bylines on Cosmo articles, raving about the perks of using frosted donuts as sex toys.
I am sincerely sorry if this post causes you to lose sleep at night, but please know that somewhere across the way, I’ll be getting my full eight hours just fine.
TO BE CONTINUED
Photos courtesy of various Tumblr blogs. I do not own the rights to them.