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IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS

6/22/2016

24 Comments

 
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It was a particularly long and dreadful school day in 2014 when I’d first experienced ugliness in its most bewitching form. 

​I was making my way across the high school parking lot, several hours after the last bell had rung for the day. I’d spent about three hours after my classes had finished, editing news articles for the school paper until the janitor gave me the ‘hurry up and get out’ eyebrow raise. Even with the blurred vision that is brought about by hours of squinting at a computer monitor, I caught a faint glimpse of a piece of paper fluttering in the wind, secured by the jaws of my windshield wipers.

I brushed it off, convinced it was either a parking ticket (I’m no stranger to these), or a nondescript ad for tai kwon do lessons. In truth, it was neither. 

Once when I was nine, I’d had the wind knocked out of me while traveling in my family’s bright red speedboat. We’d hit a monstrous wave head on, and my small-person lungs simply didn’t agree with the momentum. I gasped for air, my eyes blurry with tears and assumed that moment would be ‘the end.’ The air -- and the day’s joy -- quickly returned with a McDonald's chocolate milkshake.
Standing in the empty parking lot, clutching a piece of notebook paper that dripped with pencil-scrawled hatred, made that day on the speedboat a cake walk in comparison. 

Essentially, the note confirmed everything that I suspected to be true about myself in high school: that the majority of the people within those yellowing walls and disintegrating ceiling tiles considered me as hilarious and stale as a practical joke.
I reacted to the note the same way that anyone else in my circumstances would have: I pretended it never happened, while the anxiety of it all ate away at my insides like moth larvae in a coat closet. I looked into the eyes of my classmates, wondering if he or she was the penman of the letter, questioning every friendship I ever made and robbing myself of even a shred of joy. I drove myself mad, pouring over the pages of past yearbooks, convinced that if I could just figure out who’d penned the note, I’d finally earn peace. 

Eventually, I graduated high school and began the greatest endeavor of my entire life thus far: college. The sleepless nights and ravaging anxiety that the letter had brought into my final year of school soon dissolved, and I’d nearly forgotten about it entirely. 

The reason why I decided to unearth this story from the innermost archives of my mind, is the fact that I consider it to be a very defining moment for me. I see life as being a series of soaring highs and staggering lows, and this was one of my most distinct ‘low’s’. 

No human is completely without blemish. Considerably my most fatal flaw, is my tireless need to drive myself absolutely bonkers with over-analysis. Every once in a while, I become consumed by the idea that even the closest of my friends secretly hate me and the horrible reality that I could never be loved or married, among other things. But it is in these moments that I pinpoint the enemy: myself. Or, my mind, for that matter. And the sad truth is, it’s not me alone who is guilty of doing this. In fact, I’m sure you’re just as guilty as I am. 

Genuinely, it is really none of my business what other people think of me. If I make this my business— if I MAJOR in ‘caring about what they think of me,’— I will wither away until I’m nothing but a sack of meaningless, passionless bones. If we spent a considerable amount of time dwelling on every negative comment, horrible bully, and lie we hear about ourselves each time they come about, we’d be selling our souls over to the ugliness. We are not the reflection of those corrupt people who can’t see us for who we truly are. We are a picture of vibrant color and loveliness, and no one has the right to convince us otherwise. We can’t let the behavior of others rob us of our peace.
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Small people make it their mission to belittle the ambitions of the seemingly unbreakable. However, their petty stones can’t penetrate the walls of a stone castle— remember that. The stones will only hurt you if you open a window and let them in. Refuse to open that window.  

Socrates once said, “be as you wish to seem.” By the same token, feel as you wish to feel. Not every situation demands a reaction. Sometimes its best to look those who wronged you in the face (figuratively), smile and think “I’m sincerely sorry for YOU. I will not award you with the luxury of seeing me cry.”

I never did find out who wrote the letter.
And quite frankly, I don’t give a damn.
First photo courtesy of art director and designer, Jessica Walsh, via Instagram. Second photo courtesy of a tumblr blog, source unknown.
24 Comments
Lauren
6/19/2016 09:44:58 pm

Katy, I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. You continue to inspire me with your wise words and mature outlook on life. Thank you for being my inspiration!

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kayla
6/19/2016 09:51:14 pm

Katy, your an amazing writer. this is the best thing I've read in a long time. I wish I could frame it :)

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abigail
6/19/2016 10:09:04 pm

the amount of disrespect and hatred young teens, teens and adults recieve is ridiculous. in fact, I've been bullied by my closest friends... everytime I make a friend I raise an eyebrow in hopes that they'll never question my stupidity or judge me for who I am. but I've come to realize that doesn't matter. I have my own path. if we all didn't have our own paths, would their be personalities, or character traits to divide us...

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Kirstin
6/20/2016 01:30:54 am

Katy this is amazing and I feel you on so many levels. And I totally understand the difficulty of getting outside yourself. Thoughts can overtake your life and to realize that you are more than the sum of what others say about you, is huge.

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Kelly
6/20/2016 06:35:06 am

Katy you simply amaze me. I've been watching your videos since middle school and I am a senior in high school now. I can honestly say you have made a significant difference in my life and I know that's the case with many others. You are ingenius, inspiring, and witty, and not afraid to be your genuine self. I relate to so much of what you say and my teen life would not be the same without you. You rock keep doing you xx

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Belle Smith
6/20/2016 09:21:40 am

Katy,
Congratulations on your amazing reflections and writings on this site. They are well written, incredibly unique and inspiring. Love for what you stand for and I see your light! Reading this brings me so much life, thank you!

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Rosanna Cuttone link
6/20/2016 09:46:31 am

Katy your a huge inspiration to me. Whenever I am having a bad day your videos make me feel so much better so thank you for that. You made a big difference in my life and watching your videos and reading your writing it makes me feel like I am not the only one who feels the same way. Thank you so much

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Michaela link
6/20/2016 03:33:23 pm

Katy,
You are so wise. This is one of the best things that I have ever read. I love your perspective on life and the way you write your thoughts! Well done!

kayla24blog.wordpress.com

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Dorina Ajdinovic link
6/21/2016 04:02:09 pm

You are really an old soul. Love you Katy.

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Sophie
6/22/2016 07:35:31 am

Thank you for creating this blog. I enjoy hearing what you have to say and I admire your honesty.

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Annebel
6/22/2016 10:45:22 am

thank you.

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Upasna link
6/23/2016 08:17:58 pm

Ahh, seriously Katy, this is so well-written.

People are so damn confusing. It's hard to understand or try to understand why people do the things they do, and I like the way that you put it - that it's none of your business anyway, especially when it comes to what they think of you. I think that is so BRAVE, considering I'd be freaked out if someone put a horrible note on my windshield.

Keep being awesome!

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Kiara Morris link
6/24/2016 08:47:16 pm

Hi Katy. I love how your blog is personal and so authentic. It's still the same Katy from the YouTube videos, Instagram and Snapchat, but it's so much more thoughtful. Everything you're doing right now is really appreciated.

Kiara

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laura
6/28/2016 01:39:12 pm

I love you so so much, I started following you on Instagram for your cool ootds infront of the mirror haha but now I have nothing but honest admiration for you!!

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sydney
6/29/2016 11:07:54 am

keep writing!!! i love these

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Lindsay link
6/29/2016 05:44:33 pm

Katy, i just discovered that you have a blog & I'm so excited! Just like how you portray yourself in your videos, your writing is so eloquent. Thank you so much for creating thekatyproject. I can't wait to see where this new creative outlet takes you :)

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rachel
6/29/2016 05:57:03 pm

dang your college app essays must've been bomb af lol

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Emma
6/29/2016 08:12:11 pm

Just stumbled across this blog and this is the best thing I have read in a really long time - it's inspiring & perfectly said :)

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piper
6/29/2016 09:23:09 pm

thank you for being such a great inspiration & role model to me & many others!

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Shelby
6/29/2016 11:55:45 pm

Katy, I have been watching your videos for 2 years now and we're both growing up together, as we're the same age. I relate so much to the things you say about all these topics. We're both old souls and your videos/articles have helped me through some tough times. This article particularly helped me finally get over the comments made by someone on Twitter. I normally don't care what people think but that one comment haunted me for a full week, until now.

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Kiara Raine
7/1/2016 07:33:24 pm

Katy, I know that you'll never know me, and you might not even see this, but I want you to know that you've been a kind of mentor to me for the past couple of years. Without you even knowing it, which is amazing to me. I've had the worst confidence problems, and I've never really thought I would amount to much, just because of things that people would say to me. The talks that you have about confidence and loving yourself have helped me more than you'll ever know. I guess that what I'm trying to say is, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

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Niki Simha
7/4/2016 09:40:40 am

I LOOOOOVE THIS. you are honestly amazing

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Carol
7/8/2016 04:33:55 pm

Hi Katy,
I for one can completely relate to this post and you message to young adults and teens. My moment of realizing this truth wasn't until my junior year of high school after having a falling out with someone I considered my closest and truest friend. Now almost 21 I look back at my high school experience and this falling out and appreciate it. It made me grow as a person and appreciate the person I am today. Thank you Katy, I really love your blog.
P.S. I love your youtube and the newer videos you have been posting.

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Letícia
7/29/2016 09:17:12 pm

Hi Katy, I'm a 17-years-old Brazilian. Your videos and your blog are kind of a therapy section for me. When I'm feeling sad or insecure I always watch your videos and you always say exactly what I need to hear. You have helped break out of my shell a little bit. I'm super shy and I tend to overthink everything and you make me forget about what people might say about me. Also, you inspire me to always be kind, forgiving and try to always be the best version of myself. Keep doing what you're doing! And by the way I don't usually leave these kind of texts to any other YouTuber so... 😊 x (sorry for any grammar mistakes)

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