How i've been. (Really)
Quite a few followers and friends alike have asked me how I've been as of late, given the massive changes I've experienced in the past several months. This blog post is my response.
I was sitting on my fire escape when sounds of a child laughing drifted up from below.
“Red light!” a woman exclaimed.
The child’s ponytail bobbed as she played the ever-familiar ‘Red Light, Green Light’ game, her mother trailing behind her.
I sat with my knees folded into my chest, staring at the building across the way, the sun drenching its brick like a fresh coat of paint. After a few minutes, the sounds of the mother and daughter faded out until they were gone altogether.
In this transitional period of my life, I can’t help but compare the last few months to a game of ‘Red Light, Green Light.”
There are the moments that propel us forward like a slingshot— and others that stop us dead in our tracks. There are moments that ignite our insides like fireworks— and others that make us feel hollow.
The truth is, no period of life involving change will be a seamless sidewalk. Every few blocks you’ll trip on the uneven bits and stub your toes.
I’ve never known how strong I truly was until I hugged my parents goodbye and quietly shut the door of my very first apartment. I leaned against the closed door and squeezed my eyes shut. Was I excited about this new chapter? Yes. Was I also absolutely terrified? Yes.
The following day I returned home to my apartment, starving and drowning in my own sweat.
“The New York City heat is no joke,” I muttered to myself as I collapsed into bed. This sudden burst of movement was enough to pop a curtain rod off the wall, my brand new curtains sent plummeting to the floor in a sorry heap. I eyed the fallen curtains and couldn’t help but compare them to the current state of my being.
It is impossible to protect yourself from fear, embarrassment and pain without also protecting yourself from happiness. We must not miss out on all the great things just because they might be difficult.
Sure, it’s beyond difficult to admit that you’re afraid. That you messed up. That you don’t know the answer. But each time the rug is yanked out from under you, you’ll rise from the ground faster and faster until you leap over that darn rug altogether.
I pray that all of you will experience an outpouring of ‘green lights’ in this life, but when a ‘red light’ must surface, you remind yourself that it’ll turn green again with time.
Please do not give up on the person that you are becoming. Even if you get hurt. Even if it seems hard to carry on.
Seldom do we reflect on our past and think, “Darn— I wish I believed in myself a bit less back then…”
This evening I walked down the sidewalk with my dry cleaning slung over one shoulder and a bag of groceries in the other. I felt myself grin. Sure, I still have trouble unlocking my door on the first try, among other challenges, but I’m surviving and I’ll continue to. On my own.
Instead of striving for absolute perfection in every element of my day-to-day life, I simply hope to learn more about the world today than I knew yesterday. I celebrate my small victories.
Each morning I awake to the day’s first fragments of light coming to rest on my face, the sounds of my city drifting up from below, and excitement swells in my chest.
I’m working on myself, by myself, and it’s pretty sweet.
Note: The featured photo for this post was taken in 2015, my second time visiting New York City, and the first time (of many) I vowed to myself that I'd end up living here.
7/30/2018 07:07:52 pm
I am absolutely in love with following this journey, and I can not wait until I get to experience the beauty of living in New York City. Keep shining darling ✨💕
7/30/2018 07:28:35 pm
Katy, this blog truly spoke to my heart. I think that we get so caught up in the red lights in life that we don't truly appreciate the greens. Nonetheless, I do have a question about you living in New York. I'm from upstate NY and have visited the city countless times and it's truly magical there. I'm not sure if you could answer just yet, but I am in the middle of reading A Tale of Two Cities which is about the pros and cons of NYC, and one essay writer spoke of being in one of the busiest and most bustling cities in the world yet feeling so so alone. Your outlook on life and the world around you is so poetic so I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject and if you ever in your time living in NYC feel this way as well.
7/30/2018 08:00:43 pm
In the midst of reading your lovely post about growing and becoming a new person my little sister was playing “here comes the sun” by the Beatles. Which I thought was very appropriate for the tone of your message.
7/30/2018 08:52:08 pm
Katy, I loved this! I just graduated and moved to the LA area and feel exactly the same way. Some days are tough, adulting is tough. Figuring out car insurance and bills and 401k’s and medical plans is tough. Adulting is tough. Figuring out who you are post college is tough, but its a lovely ride. I love you saying “i’m working on myself, by myself, and its pretty great”
7/30/2018 08:53:18 pm
thank you for always inspiring me (and, often in times when i need it most). your words are always so beautiful and wise and make me feel like there’s strings from my heart, your heart, and many other peoples heart in the community you’ve built up that are all stuck in an enormous cat’s cradle somewhere in universe. as someone who’s gone through a lot of the struggles and changes that you have encountered and overcome (still working on :)), nothing makes me feel more comfortable and assured than knowing that i’m not alone with the way that i feel. i almost never have written praise to you or anything even though you deserve a million wonderful compliments, but, in short, keep saying the things that i can never put together in my head because it makes me so happy. xoxo
7/30/2018 10:08:39 pm
God love you Katy, you’re so authentic. I really love how you - a 20 something woman - can say what every other 20 something woman is thinking. You talking about struggling to open your own door. I’m an almost 20 something woman and freak out at the weird lights on my car dashboard or why everyone have their keepcups in my uni class while I’m the only person with a disposable. Thanks for making me feel okay about not really knowing what I’m doing.
8/2/2018 07:59:32 am
You are so inspirational like wow. I really got into writing because I saw the content you were creating and how successful you were becoming. I have been watching you for ages and I just want to say how awesome you have become. Keep doing you girl and I can't wait to see how your NYC journey continues!
8/6/2018 09:58:40 pm
Please write more on here. It fills me with absolute joy and I always look forward to it. I think you’re amazing and talented and can’t wait to read what Katy in New York has to say.
Hi Katy! I've been following you for a while, but this is the first time I've commented on any of your work. I just want to say that I think you're incredible for being so authentic in everything you do. Your blog posts and videos are beautifully worded, and as an aspiring writer myself, I really have gained a lot of inspiration from your vulnerability and unique insight on life. I look forward to seeing the great content you produce in the future, and I'm so happy that everything is going well for you in NYC!
Hey Katy! Though I'm not the sort of person who usually comments on posts I just felt compelled to do so after reading this one. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable about your journey and real with your beautiful words. Your videos, posts (and now podcast!) are such a reassuring voice when I need it and also such an inspiration. I hope to one day find myself waking up in New York City too. Thank you so much :)
Living and working in NY has always been my biggest dream. But now as I am getting older, this dream seems still more and more impossible. I am from Europe so I would have to move across the world (is seems) and it is very very scary. But never say never, you will never know what life brings you in the future. For now I am working on moving to England, which is closer and it feels right at the moment. One step at a time. I wish you all the best. Live your life to the fullest and as you said do not give up if a problem comes up, it will eventually all works out.
9/22/2018 09:31:21 am
i literally smiled to myself from the way you started off.but as i read through i just can't explain how i'm still learning and knowing your way around it's lovely to see the progress cause your a boss.
2/21/2019 07:49:29 pm
Katy! I recently started watching your youtube videos, reading your blog, and following you on social media and so on. It started from one of my best friends suggesting to watch your pod cast because it is "so good and relatable". That's where I got hooked, and it wasn't till I got a few podcasts in where I decided to look up your name. Wow. I only hope to one day be like you, I hope you invent your own company by the time I graduate college (lol) because I share so many of the same interests as you and would kill do work for/with you because I know that whatever you'd be running...I'd want to be doing too hahaha (and whatever is ran by you would be fricken awesome). You deserve endless pats on the back for everything you've accomplished. You're forsure an inspiration/motivation of mine. If a goal of yours has been to leave a positive effect on people/to help others, you need to know that you have! Please never stop being you! Can't wait to see what you do next! I'll be there watching! (not in a creepy way:)
10/21/2019 01:03:19 pm
Hi Katy, again, loved your post <3 Just requesting you to write more blogs! I miss them a lot, and a lot has changed since your last one in 2018 - it's going to be a new decade soon! Would love to have you back here xo
8/27/2020 09:06:31 am
I am almost 50 and I must say, for as young as you are you are very wise!! You write beautifully! Keep it up!!
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