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hang on, lemme overthink this.

6/4/2018

9 Comments

 
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The sun was lazily dipping beneath the tree tops, reflecting its last fragments of light against my wine glass as I sat on my back porch, my fingers absently tracing the stem. It was a particularly steamy summer evening in June and my mother was embarking on one of her usual narratives: reflecting on the days when I was a pint-sized human and not a full-sized, city-bound college graduate. 

“I remember when you learned how to use the stairs,” she said, laughing. “You’d grip onto the handrail with both hands, turn sideways and take each step so carefully— one at a time. It would take you a full ten minutes to descend three steps.” 

“Meanwhile your sister would charge down them at full speed,” my Dad chimed in from the chair opposite mine.

“You’ve always been so cautious, Katy,” my Mom added. “So methodical.” 

As I collapsed into bed that night, my parents’ words replayed in my head. 

“Cautious,” I repeated to the blackness of my bedroom, the word leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. 

In recent years, I’ve found myself analyzing every single element of my life under a microscope, poking and prodding at parts of myself that I couldn’t change even if I wanted to. I carefully consider how every life decision— even as simple as what I’d be eating for lunch that day— would affect me in the grand scheme of things. 

Sometimes I even distract myself from pursuing the things that I want to, deep down, because there might be some risk involved. Better safe and free of disappointment or embarrassment than happy. 

I’ve drafted more pro’s and con’s lists than I can count, plaguing my journals with question marks. I overthink to the point of exhaustion, despite the number of ways I’ve attempted to distract myself from doing so. Sucking down vodka sodas on Friday nights, I’d pray for some relief, but my restless mind has held its own.  
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If you’ve ever befriended me, dated me, or even spoken to me— the chances that I’ve critically analyzed every word you’ve said to me are high. (ie: “Hmmm what does she really mean by that?” “He’s bored of me, isn’t he?”)

Put simply: I don’t think I ever truly let go of the handrail that I first grasped white-knuckled as a toddler. I’m still grasping onto it to this day, squinting to examine each step below in detail.

I’m the human definition of “look before you leap,” dipping my toe in the pool of life and deciding it's much too cold to dive in right now.
"Perhaps tomorrow," I'd say to myself. I'm no quitter, per say, I just have to think about it a bit longer. 

Jonathan Safran Foer of “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” penned: “sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” 

In a similar regard, I live my life straining under the weight of two people— the person I am and the person I would be if I let myself leap before looking. 

The truth is, you can’t protect yourself from all of life’s demons without also protecting yourself from happiness as well. The urge that we feel to control life has a tendency of controlling us right back.

Certainly I’ve tried to think a little less. It just seems that every time I’ve ‘lept before looking’ has resulted in a hangover or the sensation of squeezing my eyes shut, thinking to myself: “why the fuck am I like this.” 
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The more I overthink about my life, the less I understand. 

Why can’t I find a happy medium between thinking too much and not at all?

One of the lessons that college taught me, I continuously pull out of the depths of my mind like a cherished photograph, tattered at the edges from being handled so often. 

No one truly has it all “together.” 

And even if it seems like they do, people never believe that they are truly finished masterpieces. Even the most established individuals wish they were taller, shorter, richer or smarter, and in fact, the majority of those who outwardly seem like they have their lives fully together and tied with a neat bow, are the biggest culprits of overthinking. 

Looking before you leap is a feasible concept when it comes to jumping off cliffs or shoe-shopping, but it cannot be applied to everything. 

Sometimes you must leap before you talk yourself out of it. Before you uncap your pen to draft a pro’s and con’s list. Before you take into account the possible consequences and question if you’re “ready.” 

By overthinking and overanalyzing, I’m creating nonexistent problems out of thin air. Sometimes it’s not possible to understand everything that happens to you. All of life is not meant to be deeply processed. With some elements, we can only accept— not understand. 

“Life is really simple,” Confucius says, “but we insist on making it complicated.” 

So here's to more spontaneous moments. Here's to sometimes leaping before we have a chance to peer down at the rushing water below. Let's squeeze our eyes shut, leap through the air and feel the warmth of the sun on our faces, giving our restless minds a much-needed hiatus. 

"If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present. Gratefully."
-Maya Angelou

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(above) image source: na-kim, via lalunagogh, tumblr. 
Featured image In Gedanken, by Félix Armand Heullant
9 Comments
Danielle
6/5/2018 05:16:21 pm

Katy, I've been watching your videos since my sophomore year of high school. You were always 2 years ahead of me & going through things I was just about to go through. It was like having the big sister I never had. Thank you for being transparent about your struggles & victories. I see that I've had the same struggles with insecurities & it makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one. Keep writing honestly. It's helping people.

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Rae
6/6/2018 11:37:44 am

I feel like I'm in the same situation! Katy, I'm only a year behind you and feel the same as Danielle. I love hearing about your stories and experiences though these blog posts, YT videos, etc., as I feel that I am going through the same things! Thank you for always sharing so honestly. I can't wait to hear about all of your new adventures!

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Alicia
6/5/2018 09:00:32 pm

I’ve been looking forward to this post ever since your snaps mid-writing process!!! I would love to see more frequent blogposts :)

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Meri
6/6/2018 07:32:59 am

Hey Katy! I’ve been watching your videos for years now and out of all your content this blog post touched me the most. I can relate so well to what your talking about its almost crazy. Its also great because now I see that others struggle with the same kind of problems as I do, even someone who I look up to and think of as someone who has it all so well put together. I just feel so restricted by my own mind sometimes, because I seem to either overthink my way out of doing things I really wanna do and creating them into these scary situations for no reason OR I just simply avoid pursuing anything bigger even on a thought level and sort of convince myself to not even try because like you said I dont wanna be dissapointed or embarrased in the end if my ”leaps of faith” end up not working out the way I wished. I recently got out of a long relationship and suddenly I felt as if this new world opened in front of me, like a world of opportunities, because suddenly I didnt feel tied down by another person. However, even though I feel like I am making more ”selfish” decisions now I still kind of tend to steer away from making those really big changes in my life that I have wanted to pursue for years, and I suppose its because of that fear and tendency to overthink untill I just convince myself I shouldnt pursue them. And like you mentioned I too dont consider myself a quitter in any sense, so I really feel torn between these two personas in me who just fight against eachother. Overall, I guess I’m mostly just afraid of letting that overthinker within me stop myself from achieving my more or less crazy dreams. It really is a struggle every day to try to tell myself that I need to find that balance between overthinking and not giving a fuck really, but I feel like I’m already changing so much and reaching these new victories of ”yey I did it and it ended up being great!”. Sorry this turned out to be just a very long ramble but my main point I suppose is that I’m just grateful that you’re brave enough to talk about so many things that a lot of us hide inside and you’re definetly insipiring many young women. I would also LOVE if you would do a video on this subject as well! And really dive deep into it as well as give some great pointers on how you personally try to ease on the overthinking! :)

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Kaeleen link
6/6/2018 10:01:18 am

You always speak to my soul, Katy

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Lily
6/6/2018 06:59:13 pm

Your writing style is so captivating and I relate to every bit of this piece. Such a nice read and inspiring to somebody like me—an overthinker. Thank you!

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Glo
6/11/2018 12:44:09 am

I’ve had the same problem for years and finally decided to be a little spontaneous and bold at times. It was horrifying to even think I could do something so brave but once it was over, not one oz of regret was in me. Sure I still am a little cautious at times and procrastinate difficulty, but it’s okay to Do so at times. Ever since I’ve stepped out of my shell I’ve learned so much more, have had the most amazing moments of my life, and sadly have been hurt. And that’s okay. I am constantly inspired by you Katie and can not wait to read more.
Love, glo

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