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ALMOST-LOVERS

1/16/2017

34 Comments

 
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Ernest Hemingway once said, “write hard and clear about what hurts.”
​So, after quite the blog hiatus, I’m doing just that.


I’m tired. Really, truly, I’m tired, and have been for some time. Tired of mindlessly dragging myself from one almost-lover to the next; the vicious cycle of lifting my hopes up only to watch them ruthlessly be pulled out from under me like a deflated parachute. 

For years I let my romantic frustrations win. The anxiety of it all would envelope me in a thick haze of doubt and loneliness, clouding my judgement, provoking me to lash out. I have allowed myself to become riddled with embarrassment over my inability to be loved. As my lacking love life continued to feel more and more hopeless, I’d purse my lips, lower my head and convince myself that I’d done something wrong. “God, what is wrong with me?”
You’ve heard this narrative before. 

However on a recent flight to Los Angeles, I came to a new conclusion. 

Playing past almost-romances in my head like a sickening highlight reel, I realized that by considering each extinguished flame to be a major loss, I have been severely discounting myself. While it’s cold, hard fact that I haven't been entirely successful in the past few years with dating, I’m not continuing with life completely empty-handed. I haven’t lost entirely. 

Whether they know it or not, each and every almost-lover has given me something: a lesson, a song, boldness, tenderness. I no longer wish to view the moments spent with these people as “lost time.” Listening to scratched vinyl, the moonlight glistening on bare skin, driving in his car without a destination, hair flapping in the ocean air… I refuse to label these precious moments that I’ve spent with almost-lovers as losses.

You leave a very small piece of you with each and every person you meet.  

When the sinking feeling of “Shit. I guess whatever “this” was is over now..” overcomes you, remember this: 

You are more than just the number of people you’ve almost-loved.

He or she was not just a failed attempt at what you will eventually have with someone else.
Every potential relationship is either love, or a lesson. Don’t look at it any other way. 

Photo: Tumblr, no known source.

34 Comments
chandler barger
1/16/2017 11:12:34 pm

You are god damn inspiration Katy, and I hope to grow to be half the woman you are. I admire your ability to be raw, vulnerable, and to never apologize for being completely true to yourself. Thank you for this reminder.

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Sarahi Garcia
1/16/2017 11:20:31 pm

I've been asking for a sign, and your blog post is it. Grateful to have stumbled across some nurturing words like these. You are beyond anything that you could think of Katy, please never fail to express your thoughts and perspectives towards touchy subjects, because sometimes people just need to hear them.

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Katy link
1/16/2017 11:51:08 pm

This is such a good post, so much truth! It's so easy to get wrapped up in regret and what went wrong, but we learn so much from each experience - even those we're maybe a little embarrassed about! Thanks for sharing

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Sarah
1/17/2017 01:53:35 am

Whatever you believe in, faith, God, the universe or nothing, I personally think that God does have a plan for us. He knows how your life our life will play out, yet he gives us the chance to make our own decisions and follow our own path. I think that the set of decisions you make, influence the outcome. I totally agree, every lost love is not 'a waste of time'. It is just one step closer to figuring your life out. Well said Katy! I feel like nowadays, we're all obsessed with finding love and when we don't find it or it doesn't stick, we beat ourselves up over it. It is people like you, we need more of. Girls in this day and age need to understand this, keep on posting because you just made my day.

xxx Sarah

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Jasmine Grace link
2/20/2017 06:47:12 pm

I agree Sarah, God does have a plan for each of our lives! Just because something didn't work out the way we wanted it to doesn't mean it was a loss. I believe God has the perfect ultimate plan for our lives if we choose to follow it. Yes, we will make mistakes but we shouldn't regret them. Making mistakes allows us to learn lessons. Then we can grow and move forward.
xoxo, Jasmine Grace
http://JasmineGrace.net

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Judith Dorphley link
1/17/2017 04:48:48 am

Very well put. You are still YOUNG......much time remaining for you to meet Mr. Right. We are not defined by the men in our lives. :)

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Judith-dorphley
1/17/2017 06:09:41 am

Well said. You are still YOUNG and have plenty of time to meet Mr. Right. Also, we are not defined by the men in our lives. :)

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Judith dorphley
1/17/2017 06:14:47 am

Sorry. This didn't post as first...didnt mean to post it twice. :)

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Grandma Phyllis
1/17/2017 09:40:01 am

Katy I could not be more proud of you and how honest yo are about your feelings --sweetie you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince--look to me as an example 42 years to find my Prince so glad of it--but then look at your parents they got it right the first time--so never give up aon finding that one guy!

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Savannah
1/17/2017 11:47:30 am

All of your blog posts never fail to hit me with a dose of reality right when I need it the most. Seriously, I've been struggling with this! The instability of college "romances" (if they can even be called that) has really just gotten to me lately. Here's to hoping for love after what seems like a million shitty lessons! xx

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Katie link
1/17/2017 12:06:01 pm

I really loved this Katy! I think it's important to be okay with failed relationships. We always learn something from them and we should be happy we were in the presence of each other for a while. But not everyone is supposed to be together, and therefore nature or in my case (God) ends the relationship. And He teaches me something every time.

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Jasmine Grace link
2/20/2017 07:11:52 pm

Hey Katie, I agree with your comment girl! I also believe God has the best plan for our life! I love what you said about being happy to be in the presence of each other for a while. Sometimes it just takes time to learn the lesson and for us to realized why God may have removed them from our life! Feel free to check out my blog as well :)
xoxo, Jasmine Grace
http://JasmineGrace.net

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Nadine Carozzi
1/17/2017 06:52:20 pm

You are too hard on yourself for starters because from what I see you are amazing. Secondly you are doing everything exactly right for this point in your life. This is not a time for commitments in love. It gets messy when you find a significant other in college because it forces you to limit your life and career choices. This is the time of your life to do exactly what you are doing and feel secretly sorry for those girls and guys who are committed now and will not meet that amazing someone in the future.

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Jenna
1/18/2017 11:15:10 am

I've been waiting for a new post on here for so many months. Thank you, I needed this.

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Michaela Brown link
1/20/2017 07:29:02 am

I love you. That's all.

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Rochelle link
1/22/2017 12:45:11 pm

I feel like as people we're so desperate to be loved that we don't wait for the right people. Instead of waiting for that one person who will change our lives, we have temporary people to feel that void of loneliness and it just leaves us more lonely than we started. When 2017 started I prayed to God to allow me to be content by myself. At the end of the day we are going to die alone. We need to know that we can live independently and then God will bless us with partners who compliment us not complete us. I have never dated a single person because I know that God has it under control. I listen to him and I wait because God knows who, when, why and how: Whether it be tomorrow I meet him or 20 years from now, God is never wrong. My advice to you is to stop looking for love and let God give it to you.God works in mysterious ways❤

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Jasmine Grace link
2/20/2017 07:17:25 pm

Amen girl! You wrote this beautifully and well said. I too believe God has a perfect plan for our lives if we choose to follow Him and His plan. I've been currently working on trusting Him more with waiting. I also have never dated anyone before, yes it sometimes gets hard to wait, but in the end I know His plan and timing will be worth it!
xoxo, Jasmine Grace
http://JasmineGrace.net

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Julia
1/23/2017 03:48:38 pm

You posted this at the perfect time. I have this feeling right now coming out of a relationship and it has been hard for me to accept that things did not work out. Thank you for helping me see things in a different way!

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Sam
1/24/2017 02:01:43 pm

I just wrote about something very similar this in my journal. I just wanted to thank you for bringing some clarity to me and my entry. I always hype up someone I am interested in and then when it does not work out I think "Well, way to go screw it up Sam." I just need to learn to calm down, take things as they come, and stop waiting around for Mr. Right to show up. Thanks Katy, Love ya!

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Bridgett
1/24/2017 02:05:29 pm

Ugh I feel the exact same way I needed this so bad!! Definitely reposting some of this on my snapchat:)

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jess
1/26/2017 03:47:58 pm

envelop* but great post nonetheless!

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Leticia
1/31/2017 03:32:47 pm

It was only a few months ago that I decided every potential relationship is either love or a lesson. Ever since realizing that I've become a much happier person to be honest. I stopped asking myself what I could've done better, why did they decide I wasn't enough or when was I ever going to be enough for someone. Instead I've decided to learn something from every encounter, even the one actual relationship I had. I figured it's better to learn something than to feel like I've wasted my life, because that's something I don't want to do. Your blog post is so completely accurate Katy!

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Lindsay link
1/31/2017 05:04:01 pm

<3 <3 <3

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Jayna
1/31/2017 08:40:02 pm

I love that this post could be applied to anything, not just your love life. My favorite kind of writing is that which inspires my own, and yours surely did! Thank you so much :)

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Val
1/31/2017 08:41:29 pm

This is exactly what I needed...thanks for being such an inspiration. (:

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Jane
1/31/2017 09:32:43 pm

Katy! This is amazing, so well put. Wish I could say I've had even one almost-lover but unfortunately that has yet to happen. The way you described all of the moments that you will take with you from past relationships reminded me of a Taylor Swift song and it was perfection. Keep doing you, keep writing, your optimism gives me much needed hope.

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Gris
2/1/2017 02:43:32 pm

Vulnerability does not equal weakness
Vulnerability is strength, and power, and to be brave.
That is what I admire the most about you Katy. Keep on writing, this is beauty.

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Courtney
2/15/2017 06:32:15 pm

I truly believe that every lover (or almost-lover) is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. We learn about ourselves anyway through non-romantic relationships, but let's be honest, it's the deeper relationships that really teach us the deep stuff. I was in a relationship for two years and recently got out of it. My immediate thought, like you, was how that was such a waste of time. I have since come to the realization that I would not have had access to the lessons I learned from that relationship if I had not dedicated so much of my time to it. Just like any other "research project", per say, the more you put in, the more you get out.

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Jade link
5/2/2017 05:21:37 pm

Hey girl! I completely agree with you! Everything that happens in life, negative or positive, brings a lesson. You can learn more about who you are as a person. Or something as small as learning about your likes or dislikes. Any lesson is something that drives you closer to knowing yourself better!
Check out my blog: http://myjadedlifeblog.blogspot.ca/ to read more about silly young adult lessons aha!

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Helena link
3/13/2017 08:10:36 am

Hi Katy! I have followed your work for some time and your One Night Stands' video has really stroke something in me. I'm so like that. Feel frustrated with my almost lovers. Thank you for this, I really needed it!

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Devyna
4/29/2017 10:25:31 pm

Katy thanks for posting this :) it means a lot

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Cassidy
6/26/2017 07:26:54 pm

absolutely love this post! very eye-opening stuff on this blog. xx

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Alyssa
9/24/2018 08:59:13 pm

I would just like to thank your podcast for bringing me to this blog post. So often we get so wrapped up in what we did wrong within a failed attempt at a relationship rather than looking at what we gained from the experience. Having this mindset seems to result in more smiles and laughter rather than tears and anger. Thanks Katy!

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Michelle
9/23/2019 05:52:05 pm

Beautifully written, and truly inspiring. Thank you Katy - we are here living a very similar story to yours, xo

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